Want to lose weight?

Published January 30, 2012 by joannabolouri

Oh ffs, eat it properly

I gain weight quite easily, not because of any underlying medical condition or metabolism problem, purely because I am greedy. I like food. I like to eat it several hundred times a day and generally the only time I prize myself off the couch is to go to the supermarket and restock the 17000 biscuits I’ve just demolished while watching Desperate Housewives.

I’ve done lots of different diets, some of which I’ll review here in more detail, but before I embark on any pointless, fad, hunger inducing nightmare I go online to check out what other fools  people have to say about their experiences with it.

So here we have some comments from diet threads which pretty much sums up the state of mind of anyone embarking on a weight loss journey.

My sister did the cabbage soup diet and complained that she not only lost no weight it made her breath smell like erm toilet.‘ – attractive.

The grapefruit diet – ‘IT IS HOW I FOUND OUT I WAS ALLERGIC TO GRAPEFRUIT!!!! ‘- Did you die?

”This diet would make me hungry.’ – Be a bit fucking hungry then.

‘AGHHH, I JUST HAD A TOFFEE CRISP!!’- Excellent. I love failure.

‘I know this is an egg diet but can you replace the eggs with something else?’- Yes. Cake.

‘I’ve had a few bottles of wine and a takeaway. Will need to start this again.’ – I’d address the alcohol problem first.

‘I don’t have the blood type to do this diet.‘ – Or any other diet it seems.

‘I’m struggling without my Horlicks before bed.’ – Horlicks? You deserve to be miserable.

‘I cheated with half a bar of chocolate. I was feeling very weak and down.’ Have the rest then and feel even worse about yourself.

‘I CHEATED WITH POTATOES.’ – I’m sure in time your husband will forgive you.

‘My kidneys are working well as I have spent most of the day urinating.’ – Your diary must be a brilliant read.

‘I am on day four. I have diarrhea! ‘  – CONGRATULATIONS!!

So there you have it. Dieting turns normal women into complete maniacs, myself included.

Still at least I have a boyfriend who loves me just the way I am. Oh wait. No I don’t.

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