THINGS THAT HAPPEN WHEN YOU’VE BEEN SINGLE FOR FAR TOO LONG.

Published January 30, 2016 by joannabolouri

You don’t even bother doing a quick tidy before you go out. The only thing you’re likely to bring home drunk is a burger.

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You believe it’s entirely possible that you’ll never sleep with anyone again but it’s not all gloom because you can’t remember what sex feels like anyway.

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You tell yourself you’ll definitely start looking for a relationship, after you’ve re-watched  all seventeen seasons of Law and Order SVU.

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When someone does ask you out, you’re not entirely sure how to react.

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You shudder at the thought of having to permanently share the side of the bed where your snacks and laptop live.

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The thought of having to hold in farts doesn’t seem worth the hassle.

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You stop buying sexy underwear because you already have 14 sets with the tags still on.

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You’re fully aware that there are people in nursing homes getting more action than you are.

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You change your Tinder specifications to ‘whatever’

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You watch First Dates and sob quietly to yourself afterwards because at least they put themselves out there and you haven’t even bothered getting dressed today.

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Your parents stop asking if you’re seeing anyone and instead ask if you want to join them at the garden centre.

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You convince yourself you’re single for stupid reasons like your ‘rogue wonky eyelash’ or ‘intimidating nostrils.’ No one will convince you otherwise.

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You realise that every single person you know is attached. Even the fucking idiots. All of them.

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