- Hate Tinder?
- Failed to get a fumble on Bumble? (OMG SEE WHAT I DID THERE)
- Sunk low enough to go on Plenty of Fish?
- DID YOU SEE ANY SNATCH ON MATC–
OK, I’ll stop now.
Apart from a brief moment with someone (you know who you are)
my love life has been non-existent for the longest time. It’s true that this might be 85% my fault for being a bit well, me but I blame the other 15% on online dating. It’s miserable. It’s like a ‘choose your own murderer game’ or at the very least, a game of ‘which of these profiles look like they weren’t written by Donald Trump’.
So what are the alternatives? I’ve been researching and these seem to be the most common:
Really? I want my first impression to be me beetroot faced, hairline dripping into my cleavage, gasping for breath while an exercise bike slowly chafes away at my foof? I don’t want to be approached at the gym, in fact, I DON’T EVEN WANT TO GO TO THE BASTARD GYM; PEOPLE WHO GO TO THE GYM ARE THERE.
It’s certainly an option. Being on telly, might be fun, right? However, trying to find love while the whole of Twitter decide whether you’re a good guy or a wank is a little scary. I’d be the one with food stuck between her teeth and no one tells her.
Take a class.
This always sounds promising. Meet someone who likes the same stuff you do! You do however run the risk of paying for an 8 weeks French cookery class surrounded by twenty women who all had the same idea as you.
This is the only place I’ve had any kind of success but everyone involved has been pissed and guided by genitalia. Also you have to brave. You have to march up to someone and communicate with them without typing. Your face is your emoji. Probably the winky one that’s lame as fuck.
God I hate this shit.