It finally happened. At the ripe old age of thirty-nine I became that person. It’s quite the accomplishment, non? But what happens next? Well, I’m glad none of you asked because I’m going to tell you.
You become the infamous Third Wheel.
Behold! Gather round and witness the awkward shuffling of a person who has no-one but still requires human company at social events.
You will be forgotten about
It’s true and you know it’s true because when you were in a relationship, you did it too. It’s natural, especially in the early stages. Just remember to check in on your last single mate from time to time in case they have choked to death on their own boredom.
You will be useful when they’re free
You’ll become the party friend when they’re not padlocked to their other half for the evening but it’s ok; they’ll spend this time talking about them so it’ll feel like they’re there anyway.
You have no one to pull with
You’re going to have to do it sober and alone. Fucking hell.
They will say stupid things to make you feel better
I can’t believe you’re still single.
Why? You’ve met me, right?
You should get on Tinder.
You should get to fuck.
You’ll meet someone when you least expect it.
I least expect it right now and it isn’t happening, is it fuckface?
You’re better off single.
Says the person who isn’t and has no immediate plans to be single.
You’ll convince yourself that you’ll die alone
Because that’s what happens when no one shags you. Death. Death and cobwebs.
You start trying too hard
Everywhere becomes a hunting ground when you’re in full panic mode.
- Maybe you’ll meet someone in the supermarket.
- Maybe you’ll meet someone at the cash-point. Maybe after they rob you, you’ll laugh about it and get a latte.
- Maybe you’ll meet someone at the MacDonald’s drive-thru at 3am who also hates themselves.
Just maybe (you won’t)
You stop trying completely.
If you’ve been single for years, you’ll come to the conclusion that it’s for a reason. Because you know you better than anyone else and even you wouldn’t date you.
It doesn’t matter though because you have your health, your winning personality and your friends….oh.