Hey Australia! Say hello to your new book cover…
Order me on Amazon
I’m sooooo delighted to say that The List has sold over 1000,000 digital copies!!
I’m totally bragging. I’m not sorry. But thank you to everyone who has purchased a copy and if you haven’t….
Click here and grab a copy for 99p!
- Hate Tinder?
- Failed to get a fumble on Bumble? (OMG SEE WHAT I DID THERE)
- Sunk low enough to go on Plenty of Fish?
- DID YOU SEE ANY SNATCH ON MATC–
OK, I’ll stop now.
Apart from a brief moment with someone (you know who you are)
my love life has been non-existent for the longest time. It’s true that this might be 85% my fault for being a bit well, me but I blame the other 15% on online dating. It’s miserable. It’s like a ‘choose your own murderer game’ or at the very least, a game of ‘which of these profiles look like they weren’t written by Donald Trump’.
So what are the alternatives? I’ve been researching and these seem to be the most common:
Really? I want my first impression to be me beetroot faced, hairline dripping into my cleavage, gasping for breath while an exercise bike slowly chafes away at my foof? I don’t want to be approached at the gym, in fact, I DON’T EVEN WANT TO GO TO THE BASTARD GYM; PEOPLE WHO GO TO THE GYM ARE THERE.
It’s certainly an option. Being on telly, might be fun, right? However, trying to find love while the whole of Twitter decide whether you’re a good guy or a wank is a little scary. I’d be the one with food stuck between her teeth and no one tells her.
Take a class.
This always sounds promising. Meet someone who likes the same stuff you do! You do however run the risk of paying for an 8 weeks French cookery class surrounded by twenty women who all had the same idea as you.
This is the only place I’ve had any kind of success but everyone involved has been pissed and guided by genitalia. Also you have to brave. You have to march up to someone and communicate with them without typing. Your face is your emoji. Probably the winky one that’s lame as fuck.
God I hate this shit.
An example of how my brain works on Tinder.
Adds funny photo.
Removes photo. Men don’t want to see your entire face in that pose.
Adds sexy photo. Sexy is good. Sexy people have sex. Sex is that thing you did once, remember?
Examines sexy photo carefully. Renames it drunk as fuck photo.
Shouts “WHY IS THIS MY FACE?” at no one.
Adds least offensive photo and sighs.
OK, so if you’re 38 then probably 25-48?
No wait, 25 is too young, you’re not fucking paying for everything and being his mum taxi.
Right, 30-48. But then he’ll be 32 when you turn 40. FORTY. FUCKING FORTY. YOU ARE GOING TO BE FORTY.
FINE. 35-48? But 48? He’ll be 60 and you’ll still be pretending that you’re never turning forty.
FUCK THIS. *logs off*
Ten minutes later…
Right. 35-45. Within 10 miles. Ten miles is fine for dating and late night emergency sex.
Swipe left…swipe left……….oooh he’s handsome. Facial hair – check…funny profile – check! likes being outside…oh fuck off.
Swipe left…swipe left..swipeleftswipeleftswipeleftswipeleft…WHY IS EVERYONE HANGING OFF A WALL? WHY DO YOU HAVE YOUR KIDS IN THE PICTURE? WHY ARE MEN SO….ooh he’s nice! He hasn’t written anything. He’s either really dull or lazy. I’m not sleeping with him ever.
Twelve hours later.
*search criteria has now changed to 20-109 within THE EARTH*
Why has no one super-liked me? I am super-likeable as fuck.
*gets super-liked BY A 62 YEAR OLD.*
swipe left….HOLD THE PHONE. Wow, he’s totally out of my league. Imma swipe him and ask if I can stand beside him at some point during my life.
YOU MATCHED WITH HOT GUY. You are so good at this.
*tells everyone on Twitter. No one cares*
Writes a message. Mentions his hair and probably something about Die Hard or Sharpies, neither of which he has referenced in his profile.
Being active on both social media and dating sites is tricky. Recently I’ve stumbled across two married men on Tinder, a guy who hates me, a guy I ghosted years ago and someone who was a prick to a mate of mine. I don’t want to deal with any of this information.
When you tweet as much as I do (every waking minute of the day and sometimes during nightmares) you get to know your compadres pretty well. I say ‘compadres’ what I really mean is folk who haven’t discovered they hate you yet. So what happens when you see one of these people on a dating site? What’s the etiquette? Do you shout HAI! ARE YOU LONELY TOO?? over private message or do you keep on scrolling and give them some private time? It’s bothering me.
Would I want someone I didn’t know in person to be all ‘HA. You can’t get laid either then?’ or would I prefer they ignored me?
But what if I fancied them and they didn’t say hi and then I’d be on Twitter like ‘fuck you for not fancying me’ and mentally disliking all their tweets before soft blocking them into oblivion. I had a date with a guy from Twitter and it was in my top ten funniest dates ever, only to discover his enthusiasm to meet me again was at a minus.
Understandable, BUT STILL. I haven’t quite forgiven his good judgement.
I think there’s part of me that would like to date someone not on Twitter but then WHY THE FUCK WOULD I DATE SOMEONE WHO ISN’T FUN? Twitter has GIFS ffs.
No idea where I’m going with this one.