Things that happen when you’re the only single friend left.

Published July 20, 2017 by joannabolouri

It finally happened. At the ripe old age of thirty-nine I became that person. It’s quite the accomplishment, non?  But what happens next? Well, I’m glad none of you asked because I’m going to tell you.

You become the infamous Third Wheel.

Behold! Gather round and witness the awkward shuffling of a person who has no-one but still requires human company at social events.

6359357909454303781605930929_635935790940867047-1374719355_6

You will be forgotten about

It’s true and you know it’s true because when you were in a relationship, you did it too. It’s natural, especially in the early stages.  Just remember to check in on your last single mate from time to time in case they have choked to death on their own boredom.

tumblr_lg4ixuffxW1qcsejko1_500

You will be useful when they’re free

You’ll become the party friend when they’re not padlocked to their other half for the evening but it’s ok; they’ll spend this time talking about them so it’ll feel like they’re there anyway.

giphy.gif

You have no one to pull with

You’re going to have to do it sober and alone. Fucking hell.

giphy.gif

They will say stupid things to make you feel better

I can’t believe you’re still single.

Why? You’ve met me, right?

You should get on Tinder.

You should get to fuck.

You’ll meet someone when you least expect it.

I least expect it right now and it isn’t happening, is it fuckface?

You’re better off single.

Says the person who isn’t and has no immediate plans to be single.

giphy (4).gif

 

You’ll convince yourself that you’ll die alone

Because that’s what happens when no one shags you. Death.  Death and cobwebs.

giphy (2).gif

You start trying too hard

Everywhere becomes a hunting ground when you’re in full panic mode.

  • Maybe you’ll meet someone in the supermarket.
  • Maybe you’ll meet someone at the cash-point. Maybe after they rob you, you’ll laugh about it and get a latte.
  • Maybe you’ll meet someone at the MacDonald’s drive-thru at 3am who also hates themselves.

Just maybe (you won’t)

 giphy (3).gif

You stop trying completely.

If you’ve been single for years, you’ll come to the conclusion that it’s for a reason. Because you know you better than anyone else and even you wouldn’t date you.

o7x1oEZ

 

It doesn’t matter though because you have your health, your winning personality and your friends….oh.

Never mind.

BUY MY OCCASIONALLY BESTSELLING BOOKS!

ALTERNATIVES TO ONLINE DATING

Published January 22, 2017 by joannabolouri
  • Hate Tinder?
  • Failed to get a fumble on Bumble? (OMG SEE WHAT I DID THERE)
  • Sunk low enough to go on Plenty of Fish?
  • DID YOU SEE ANY SNATCH ON MATC–

OK, I’ll stop now.

Apart from a brief moment with someone (you know who you are)

giphy-1

my love life has been non-existent for the longest time.  It’s true that this might be 85% my fault for being a bit well, me but I blame the other 15% on online dating. It’s miserable. It’s like a ‘choose your own murderer game’ or at the very least, a game of ‘which of these profiles look like they weren’t written by Donald Trump’.

So what are the alternatives? I’ve been researching and these seem to be the most common:

 

The Gym

Really? I want my first impression to be me beetroot faced, hairline dripping into my cleavage,  gasping for breath while an exercise bike slowly chafes away at my foof? I don’t want to be approached at the gym, in fact, I DON’T EVEN WANT TO GO TO THE BASTARD GYM; PEOPLE WHO GO TO THE GYM ARE THERE.

giphy-2

 

First Dates

It’s certainly an option. Being on telly, might be fun, right? However, trying to find love while the whole of Twitter decide whether you’re a good guy or a wank is a little scary. I’d be the one with food stuck between her teeth and no one tells her.

images

 

 

Take a class.

This always sounds promising. Meet someone who likes the same stuff you do! You do however run the risk of paying for an 8 weeks French cookery class surrounded by twenty women who all had the same idea as you.

bcs

 

 

The Pub

This is the only place I’ve had any kind of success but everyone involved has been pissed and guided by genitalia.  Also you have to brave. You have to march up to someone and communicate with them without typing. Your face is your emoji. Probably the winky one that’s lame as fuck.

lucille-wink-gif_

 

God I hate this shit.

My Tinder Day

Published December 6, 2016 by joannabolouri

An example of how my brain works on Tinder.

Adds funny photo.

Removes photo. Men don’t want to see your entire face in that pose.

Adds sexy photo. Sexy is good. Sexy people have sex. Sex is that thing you did once, remember?

not-subtle-flirting.gif

Examines sexy photo carefully. Renames it drunk as fuck photo.

Shouts “WHY IS THIS MY FACE?” at no one.

Adds least offensive photo and sighs.

Search criteria.

OK, so if you’re 38 then probably 25-48?

No wait, 25 is too young, you’re not fucking paying for everything and being his mum taxi.

Right, 30-48. But then he’ll be 32 when you turn 40. FORTY. FUCKING FORTY. YOU ARE GOING TO BE FORTY.

FINE. 35-48?  But 48? He’ll be 60 and you’ll still be pretending that you’re never turning forty.

bcs.gif

FUCK THIS. *logs off*

 

Ten minutes later…

Right. 35-45. Within 10 miles.  Ten miles is fine for dating and late night emergency sex.

Swipe left…swipe left……….oooh he’s handsome. Facial hair – check…funny profile – check! likes being outside…oh fuck off.

Swipe left…swipe left..swipeleftswipeleftswipeleftswipeleft…WHY IS EVERYONE HANGING OFF A WALL? WHY DO YOU HAVE YOUR KIDS IN THE PICTURE? WHY ARE MEN SO….ooh he’s nice! He hasn’t written anything. He’s either really dull or lazy. I’m not sleeping with him ever.

Twelve hours later.

*search criteria has now changed to 20-109 within THE EARTH*

Why has no one super-liked me? I am super-likeable as fuck.

*gets super-liked BY A 62 YEAR OLD.*

swipe left….HOLD THE PHONE. Wow, he’s totally out of my league. Imma swipe him and ask if I can stand beside him at some point during my life.

YOU MATCHED WITH HOT GUY. You are so good at this.

tumblr_n35fr14IxQ1tw1vhco1_250.gif

*tells everyone on Twitter. No one cares*

Writes a message.  Mentions his hair and probably something about Die Hard or Sharpies, neither of which he has referenced in his profile.

Gets unmatched.

otks.gif

Starts again.

 

Buy me a coffee!